Mother’s Day has been strangely bittersweet for as long as I can remember. The woman who carried me in her heart and in her belly for nine months and then spent the next 22 months loving me in her arms and fighting to stay here on earth with me – she’s been my Angel Mom since May 21, 1984. She’s now loving me from somewhere else.
Not long after she lost her battle with leukemia, I met my second mom, the woman who cleaned my scrapes, wiped my tears, helped me with homework and dealt with me as an angsty teenager, the woman who sat behind me on my wedding day.
I celebrate them both. I always have, and I always will. One celebration makes me angry and sad for the woman I never knew but blindly love; one celebration makes me give thanks for the wonderful woman I know and love.
I’ve been blessed with two women who love me no matter what. They are amazing for what they’ve done and for what they continue to do in my life. One continues to teach me that each day on earth is a gift to never take for granted. I can’t hear her voice, but I know her legacy. The other has taught me more than I could ever put into words and continues to give me new lessons all the time.
To my first mom, Debi, I love looking through your pictures and at the letter you wrote to me. I know that, even though I don’t know what your laugh sounds like, I’m going to hear your voice one day and know you’re my mom.
To my second mom, Louise, I am so thankful that you chose to be my mom and chose to stick by me and love me through all the good times and bad. Thank you for loving me.
Mother’s Day is complicated in my head, right? Now it’s even more muddled.
I’ve been just-barely-pregnant twice in the last year, long enough for those pregnancies to leave a lasting mark on my heart but not long enough for me to be among those traditionally celebrated today. I’d rather be rubbing my big, pregnant belly today, but instead I’m trying to decide what we’re going to do for our next cycle of trying to conceive the baby who will one day sit in my lap while I try to type on the computer, who will smother my face with slobbery kisses.
Bittersweet. Confusing.
Complicated.
Happy Mother’s Day to those with simple celebrations. Happy Mother’s Day to those with complicated celebrations. I hope, for us all, that today is a beautiful one. After all, each day is a gift in itself.
Beautiful. Motherhood itself being inherently complicated I wonder if any of us have a truly simple relationship with the concept or those who mother us… I know I don’t. Happy mother’s day, darling girl.
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XoXo!
<3
Motherhood is complicated. The mother daughter relationship is (at least for me) complicated.
Hugs!
happy mothers day to a beautiful, wonderful woman. big hugs & much love coming your way from washington! xoxoxoxotimespi.
I thought of you today- not in the creepy internet friend you don’t know me way- just in the “been there” way and wondered how you were. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Thank you for such a heart warming post!
I’ve been thinking about you. xoxo
I love this post. I know that both of these women are incredibly thankful to have YOU as a daughter!
You have me in tears girlfriend. I was thinking of you on Mother’s Day, and all of the other Moms out there who are only Moms to angels in heaven, knowing how hard it is to be one of those Moms. I have been there myself, it isn’t an easy day. *hugs* to you. Even with my two beautiful babies here on earth with me, it still feels complicated to me. My heart still misses my babies I lost. And I’m coming to realize that it will always be complicated and that’s ok. There will always be conflicting feelings and that’s ok. I just have to keep telling myself that.
What a beautiful post about your Moms. You are so right, that every single day is a gift! I will try to remind myself of that more often!
Jenny,
Since you forwarded the address of your blog about 3 hours ago, I have found myself reading, and reading. I just can’t stop. You definitely have a talent, which is to write. I am sure that probably comes from the amount of books you have read in your lifetime lol! Avid book readers tend to have a large vocabulary, and write very well.
I wasn’t going to comment until the end since I have been reading about your trials and tribulations since 2007 now for a few hours, but this blog really caught my attention. I want to comment:)
I just recently adopted my step daughters, they are 12 & 14. They lost their mom in 2005 (she took her own life with the girls in the home). They call me mom, and I always tell them this…
You have your mother, who is your angel mom. She raised you, and loved you everyday she was with you, and you have me, and I will teach you so many things, tell you all about boys, clean your cuts, and walk you down the aisle when you marry.
I just admire you for thinking that way, because many don’t think of their “stepmom’s” like that:) You made my day!!!