In true NICU style, the light at the end of the tunnel we thought we saw moved further away because of setbacks. We have a new light, but I’m afraid to depend upon it.
On one hand, I’m A-OK with it. I want the babies in the NICU as long as needed. I want to take them home knowing they’re ready and worrying only about normal mom things. I want the doctors and nurses to reassure me with confidence that the babies’ bodies know to keep their hearts beating, to keep breathing in and out – two skills they’ve “forgotten” often, and their main “illness” and reason for being in the NICU.
On the other, I’m so over it. I’m over the nursing issues, wondering if we have a NICU nurse who knows what she’s doing or a floating nurse from a sister unit who isn’t trained to care for preemies. We’re so close to being out the door that our quality of care is sometimes – not so much compromised, but the babies don’t need the NICU nurses as badly as others do if there aren’t enough to go around (our NICU is FULL right now).
I’m over having only one semi-comfy chair that I need to move constantly so the wires connected to particular baby I’m breastfeeding or holding at the time will be able to reach without coming undone.
I’m tired of getting tangled in wires while changing diapers and wrestling said wires out of baby toes in fear of said wires being dragged through poop. I’m wicked slow at changing diapers with all the muck, and I’m tired of my babies crying because I’m taking so freaking long.
I’m done with being homeless. I sleep at home. I shower at home. I spend 10-14 hours a day in the NICU caring for my babies. I eat where food is – never in the NICU and rarely at home. I’d say the NICU is my current home, and it is in many ways, but one can only be so comfortable under such strict supervision.
I’m used to being away from my babies for long periods of time. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be so attached that I can’t go to Target without crying as I drive away, but I want …
I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m tired of being away from my babies being a part of normal life. I know countless working moms leave their babies for hours and hours eventually, many right around the time we’re at right now. I feel like a chump for complaining about being away from them, but I never got my maternity leave. I’ve been away from them since day one. That’s just unnatural.
I’m ready for normal life to be filled with diapers and cries and bottles and piles of laundry. Our normal to this point has been filled with medical jargon, charts, monitors, beeping, wires, tubes, blah blah blah blah blah.
All these things have saved our babies’ lives, and I’m eternally grateful for them, but I’m ready to graduate.
I think.
hear hear! I don’t want to say I know how it feels because we haven’t been in the nicu for nearly as long as you. looking at 2 weeks tomorrow…. but it feels good to know we’re not alone in the issues we battle and the demons. and the crappy nurses when your kids start to improve! and the wires! oh the boys heard me cursing tonight! i know exactly what you mean about keeping the wires away from the poo!
i continue to think of you and your strength and hope i can stay as strong as you!
I can’t say I know how you feel, but you describe your feelings so clearly that I can empathize. You are an amazing mom and I hope you can be with your babies full time very soon.
I can’t say I understand, but I do know that before long all three will come home and this will be a distant memory. You are doing an amazing job, both as a mother and as a woman, handling all life has thrown at you.
It’s hard, at the end. You are so ready and yet, not in at least some way because they are holding you there still. I remember hearing we’d go home on X day ish and then, when that day passed (and it was just a week later that we transitioned home) I was a mess. That was the longest week. But, I have no regrets at the end of the day. We brought home 2 healthy babies that were born at 27 weeks but have never looked back and that was worth the 9 weeks we were there. Even though it was tough… Sending you big hugs and hoping you come home soon!!!
I can’t say I know how you feel either. But I’m pretty confident that it’s not how I felt as a mother of a full term baby returning to work after maternity leave.
It can’t possibly be comparable. I’m a working mom and Piper went to daycare at 10 weeks. Yes it was hard. But I? Was not remotely worried that she might FORGET TO BREATHE. I wasn’t wondering about anything like heart problems or an insufficiently trained medical professional being responsible for keeping her alive. I was worried about one of the “teachers’ letting her cry for 30 seconds too long because they were too busy with other babies. Letting her cry for 30 seconds too long because she hadn’t eaten in 20 minutes, or was fed up with the mobile on her bouncy seat, or had a wet diaper or just wanted to cuddle. Not worried like you’re worried. It is not remotely the same thing. You should not feel like a chump. That’s crap, stop doing that.
You guys are so close and it’s going to be amazing when they’re home and eating constantly and yet it takes you three hours to eat half a sandwich one handed standing at the kitchen counter in the same clothes you’ve worn for two days.
Amazing I say.
Jenny-
You’re just so inspriring and amazing and I can’t imagine how hard this is on your little family. I just know you will all be together in your own home soon though, I just know it. Try to hang in there, as hard as it is. Sending you big, virtual hugs!
You’re almost there. We’re all rooting for that day. That day that is in the very near future.
I cannot imagine what you’ve been through. And to go through it every single day? Just royally sucks.
I don’t even know you but I’m ready for you to go home too! And find a new normal.
You’re ready to graduate
The NICU is such a different rythym and environment. I’m glad they’re doing well. I found the hard part came when they released one, so I was having to decide between the one at home and the ones at the hospital, but we got through that too.
Looking forward to your posts when you are all back home!
Hi Jenny
I came across your blog via a friend of mines blog. I live in Wilmington, NC and had my baby at 32 weeks. I know ALL too well what you are going through right now. (Although you are times 3)! I know you’ve probably heard it time and time again from others but you will look back at your NICU experience and realize how much you and those three little ones overcame.
It does and WILL get better (I promise)! The wires, monitors, and brady’s will soon disappear, the laundry will soon pile up, and life will SOON feel normal.
In the meantime sending positive thoughts and wishes your way!
I hearand know your frustration, well sort of at least. We have one boy, not triplets but, as I type this he is laying on my chest sleeping peacefully on this, our 103rd day in the NICU. He’s gone from 2lb to 8.75lb in that time and, we’ll almost certainly be home next week.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. In our 103 days here,I’ve seen dozens of babies go home. Be patient, it’ll come soon.