It’s a question I’m already fielding: Are your triplets natural?
My response is always the same: Well, they certainly aren’t robots.
This is then met with a confused face, THEN the questioner fumbles over her (because a man hasn’t asked me yet) words and usually spits out something about fertility drugs or IVF.
Parents of singletons can correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems a question reserved for parents of multiples.
Sometimes, the questioner is another person who has been through the ART ringer, ready to commiserate with the headache that is advanced reproductive technology. Most of the time, however, it’s just another nosy nelly.
Normally, I would consider these questions great teaching moments, a perfect opportunity to spread awareness about infertility. But people aren’t interested in that. They want the nitty gritty, short soundbites to gossip about, not the long story about how and why I don’t ovulate and what lengths we went to to get my body functioning as it should.
The question in its nosy state kills me.
Why?
All pregnancies are natural, regardless of the technology used to help achieve them.
The key word in that sentence is “help.” There is still a moment of conception that doctors cannot touch. Beyond that, embryos must implant, and that is not a technological guarantee. Nature (since we’re talking natural vs. unnatural) still has overall say in whether a pregnancy actually happens, regardless of the technology or lack thereof.
Likewise, a couple whose method of conception is without medical assistance but involves using some freaky sex apparatus that I can’t even dream up (but I just know must exist. Tangent – did you know dicks.com is NOT the sporting goods store’s Web site? BIG at-work mistake) conceives just as naturally as Duggars do. I just can’t see the Duggars whipping out dicks.com’s toy of the month, nor can I see them calling use of said apparatus “natural.”
I digress. My point: People cannot choose to conceive. Conception is beyond anyone’s control, including a team of the best doctors and your neighbor who swears by Kama Sutra page 436.
This is the precise reason asking if a pregnancy is natural is so very hurtful to those of us who have used ART for the extra help in conception. We understand how very not in control we are. We have had all the perfect pieces, all the perfect timing, all the elements that should make conception work. And it hasn’t.
The people who ask about a natural pregnancy? They can’t fathom that feeling. They don’t know just how much nature is in control. And the fact that they have the balls to ask that painful question, to seek out gossip material – that is what is a slap in the face.
And that is why you’ll always hear me reply, “Well, they aren’t robots.”
Are there really over 400 in the Karma Sutra?
Damn.
Wait I think I missed the point of this post.
lol jk.
Alena, I considered looking it up on Amazon for accuracy’s sake, but pshhh. I hear it’s a big book, though. 😛
And it won’t stop after they’re born. In fact, you’ll get it even more. At least, then you can point to the actual babies and say, “do they LOOK plastic to you?”
Maybe people ask because they’ve seen the trashy-TV specials on these: http://www.reborn-baby.com/
Thank you for this post. I will be sure to remember that phrase if this IVF works for us.
I love you and your 3 robot babies.
Oy vey. There are so many people that haven’t got a clue. It’s sad, really. I still don’t understand why people have their heads so far up their asses when it comes to infertility. Most people can’t even begin to comprehend, I guess. Must be nice to be so clueless.
What I find funny is that all of my ART-assisted friends had single babies, and my friends with twins had them sans-assistance (well, aside from their partners, but it does take two to tango).
I find this equally true with my biracial child.
“Does she look more like her dad?” “Did you adopt?” or from a charming 6 year old “Are you her mommy?” to which I said I was and she responded “But you aren’t the same color!”
Listen people. Turns out a white womans egg can get down with a black mans swimmers. And WHAM BAM a biracial child was born.
“People cannot choose to conceive.” Ain’t that the truth!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Betty Bitter, Jenny. Jenny said: A quick rant: Yes, they're natural http://bit.ly/aCUoGQ #ART #infertility #robotbabies […]
I hear ya sister. And really, why can’t little tidbits like this be required reading for every individual? The things clueless fertile people say are SO SO SO insensitive.
Congratulations Jen on winning Best Fertility Blog, it went to the best!!! Now we’ve got to get you to win the overall Best category… I’ve given you a shout out on my blog too so we can get you some more votes. Good luck, mama!
I get this question not infrequently, not because I’m carrying more than one but because people are generally aware of how long we were trying (5 years) and know we’ve had several losses. I never know how to answer, so I think the “he’s not a robot” is a good answer for me as well!
I love this post. I hate how completely tactless. It’s a tiny human live, or in this case lives, they are wanted and loved, it doesn’t matter how they came to be.
Our next baby will not be a robot either, but then again, if it’s just one, no one will care anyway.
Wow, I cannot tell you how much I love this post!
“There is still a moment of conception that doctors cannot touch.” So beautifully true.
Some of our bodies need a little extra help becoming pregnant and others don’t but bottom line is we never have the final say. That moment of conception is something amazing that we or doctors can’t control. I hate that people even have the nerve to ask questions like that, but I love your answer. If anyone cares enough to ask me that question one day I will be replying just that. “Well they aren’t robots.”
I love following along with your pregnancy and your 3 little blessings. Thanks for sharing it with us!
I. Love. You.
This –> All pregnancies are natural, regardless of the technology used to help achieve them.
I love you and I love your posts.
Great post Jenny. How annoying and ignorant people can be. Reminds me of the fertility nurse who told me after my (very) early miscarriage that it was “just a biochemical pregnancy”. Aren’t they all?
Amen. You are amazing. as always.
I feel like I would have to say “No.” And then follow it up with some crazy story about how aliens abducted me and I didn’t actually know if they were human babies or not but man was it NOT natural what they did to me.
But your answer is shorter and probably doesn’t get as many strange looks.
people are stunned. Good on you for the robot comment.
Someone asked me this today in fact.
Much love! Also love your answer. 😛
Trust me! This is only the beginning. Unfortunately, there are a lot of ignorant people out there. I already shared with you the recent incident of someone offering me ‘condolences’ upon learning I have triplets. Ugh! Thick skin and a great sense of humor go along way. You are going to do just fine! Love your robot answer — will use it next time I’m presented with the opportunity. I’m sure it won’t be long…..
I SPPH freakin’ love you. That is all. <3
I never got asked that question when I was carrying singletons, but I did with the twins, so in my experience it’s a multiples thing.
My reply to some of the many questions is that they were conceived by a team of doctors, alot of drugs and alot of money. That normally shuts people up.
Good post though!
It’s totally a multiples thing, and I think it’s equally as insulting as when the stranger at the QuikTrip asks you if you’re sure it’s not twins in there. (To which I replied, “well, yeah, unless there’s one hiding behind a kidney” and promptly went ahead with slathering my hot dog in mustard.)
But the bottom line is that people are fascinated by pregnancy because of its mystery, because of how crazy it is to think about how intricate the process is. And I think that in general, people aren’t malicious when they ask. They simply don’t know any better, so it’s good that you respond with humor which teaches them a lesson that they will likely remember before they ask that question again. (Though, to shut people up when they ask about Joshua, I usually launch into a diatribe about my infertility and that shuts them up, too.)
Sing it, girl. That’s ridiculous of people to ask of you. Babies is babies. I heard of someone once saying that twins “aren’t even special anymore” b/c of IF treatments. Maybe someday the morons will be eradicated. Till then, I love your response.
When I was pregnant with twins EVERYONE and their MOM asked me if they were natural or fertility drugs. Even old men! That irked me SO SO SO bad. I actually wrote a blog post about it. When did people stop minding their own damn businesses?!?!?! I think that’s something PRETTY private.
I, too, was asked this question many times. I agree, it is something I think people only ask you if you are having more than one baby. I remember a coworker asking me in front of this big group of people, “ARE THEY NATURAL??” and I looked at her with this awful look on my face. I said, “Well they are human, so I guess that makes them natural.” So annoying that people have to be nosy and ask questions just for their own personal satisfaction or information. So we can be the next juicy story they talk about at tea time with their girlfriends. I feel your pain on this one, and I’m sorry so many morons are probably asking you this question!!
Gawd I love this post. As an IF survivor twiceover, with singletons, I’m still appalled with people’s shitty comments about everything repro-related. I too usually launch into a big story complete with TMI, dirty looks and whatever else is necessary to get them to realize what you wrote — some of us just need help and our means to an end is none of their frickin business anyhow. Love your robots reference, too — and just for that, make sure you get the robot-print Rumparooz cloth diaper!!
http://www.momsmilkboutique.com/vimg.php?iid=1699
muhahahahahah!!!
Great post! It’s good to come up with responses to all the rude questions early because they won’t stop. Once the babies are born, people will just add to the mix questions about how they were delivered, whether they are ID or not (the number of people who don’t understand simple biology astounds me, considering my twins are b/g!), and how you are feeding them. People wouldn’t dream of walking up to a singleton parent in the store and asking them if they had a C/S or if they are breastfeeding, but suddenly when you have multiples it becomes fair game for casual conversation.
You will also get an onslaught of “better you than me” and “you have your hands full” (no shh sherlock!). You may escape the “I always wanted to have twins” since you have more. The one I hate most is “oh, a boy and a girl; now you can be done.”. I didn’t realize the goal in child-having was to stop when you had one of each gender!
I found your blog from Paige over at mommy2charli. I love this post…what a great way of stating things! People will ask, cause some people are just that rude, but this is the best way I’ve heard it stated! Congrats to on your upcoming babies, can’t wait to meet them, through pictures!
Great post, I got this all the time while pregnant with my triplets and I was always a really private person so was shocked by the bold questions I received, I still get dumb questions now. People really don’t know when it is none of their business.
First time visiting, love your blog.
People forget that pregnant women are NOT there for their entertainment or endless questions. Good luck to you today bringing PB&J into the world! I will keep you all in my prayers!
Wow, Jenny, thanks for bringing this up. Seriously, how rude for someone to ask such a bold question! I mean, if you were carrying just one, no one would ask you if you were in the missionary position or reverse cowgirl. So why would they ask (essentially) what position you were in when you concieved your babies.
Mind. Is. Blown.
Also, congratulations 😉
atyourcervix78
Here from Many Many Moons … love this post, and wanted to stop by and tell you that I’m sending good thoughts today that things go well … another blogger mom I know is in the same boat right now, and all of your little ones are fighters.
“what position you were in when you concieved your babies” HAHAHA that’s awesome!
I have one friend that is a doctor who worked for a while in a fertility clinic, and one SIL that has had 2 miscarriages. other than that i sometimes feel like the entire world has their heads up their collective posteriers when it comes to anything about fertility, including my entire family.
This made me laugh out loud! And for the record, I have done the SAME at-work mistake! I swear I was just trying to find out what Crocs they had! I immediately had to tell our IT guy that I’m an idiot and I swear I wasn’t trying to look at porn at work! Good luck to and those WONDERFUL, NATURAL babies!
I was asked the same question over and over when pregnant with my triplets and still get asked once in a while now. I don’t know why people feel entitled to know our business. First time at your blog and it looks like today is your babies’ birthday. Congratulations!
Yep! Definitely an annoying question. I’m pregnant with twins but we lost Baby C at 8 weeks so everyone wonders whether it was IVF or not. Because that matters? We lost a child. I think whether or not we used IVF is relevant. For the record, no, we didn’t use any fertility drugs or procedures, they were “natural”. We just somehow won the baby lottery!
Don’t you think people mean to ask if they are “naturally occurring” triplets. You never know why they are asking….perhaps they are looking for hope for their future as they struggle with infertility. People are interested to know all about multiples since they are “special” no matter how they occur. I agree it’s a personal question, but you might just bless someone with your answer.
P.S.-Along the same lines, as a NICU nurse in my early 30’s, I am asked on a somewhat weekly basis by my patient’s parents if I have children of my own. This is an offensive question to me. It’s lame to have to tell them politely, “no, not yet.” when in the back of my head I want to just say, “why do you ask?”. I am sure not many people realize how offensive this question is, but really why must they know? Does it qualify less to take care of their infant? No. Does it make me less understanding to the postpartum parent/infant bond? No…I’ve been doing this for 10 years and I’ve seen a lot. I hope someday to have children of my own and do feel I’m “behind”, so it’s hard to have to answer that question all the time! One of these days I’m going to list my furry children’s names ad ages!
See, that’s just the thing, though, Heather. ALL babies, multiples or not, are naturally occurring. No amount of technology, treatment, medication, whatnot can determine whether multiples are conceived.
Multiples are no more indicative of infertility-treatment success than singletons are for that very reason.
Nature is in charge. Intervention is not.
(the question about having children is awfully rude and irrelevant as well – as if that affects your job performance any more than it does whether a pilot can fly a plane better if he owns one of his own!)
I can understand being offended by this question because your medical status is no one else’s business, and implying that your children are not “natural” sounds like an insult. However, people’s curiosity is understandable. Triplets are quite rare to begin with, but it’s MUCH rarer for them to be conceived without any fertility treatments. “Natural” is simply the word used by the scientific community to differentiate, so you shouldn’t take it personally.
I think asking whether your triplets are “natural” is basically an insensitive way of asking how completely shocked you were when you found out you were having three (!) babies. You probably at least discussed the possibility with your doctor, but people are just curious if they came completely out of the blue or not. It’s exciting to be involved with a rare event, and people just want to share in your joy and make conversation, not insult you.
“Spontaneous” is the term for multiples that occur without medical assistance. Obviously people don’t mean to insult others by asking the question, but they also don’t consider what it is they’re asking. There’s a reason I reply the way I do: Those who are only seeking gossip material pick up what I’m putting down and back off. Those who are genuinely curious press further with a second (or more!), clarified question. Those are the folks who are willing to learn and help shoot down one more hurdle in the way of mainstreaming infertility.
Love your ‘they aren’t robots’ answer! Mind you, if my fertility doctor could make me an IVF baby robot in the process, I might be interested too.