Maybe it’s because I’m a talkative person who is terrible at keeping her own secrets, but I never once considered keeping the details of our fertility treatments a secret.
For good or for bad, I knew I would need the support of those around me. For bad, I knew having loved ones aware of my increased sensitivity to “When are you having a baby?” talk would save us all from awkward outbursts and uncomfortable, one-sided fights. For good – well, that’s obvious.
Bigger than my feelings, though, was the knowledge that I was spreading the word about infertility.
Talking about when a couple plans to start trying is A-OK dinner table talk — even suggestions about frequency and positions can come up. But start talking about medical issues that cause infertility or medical intervention to fight said issues, and it’s suddenly uncomfortable.
Why? Great Aunt Mildred can yammer on about her incontinence and bowel issues, the boil on her arm or any other disgusting (yet surely uncomfortable for poor Great Aunt Mildred) affliction, but talking about sperm counts and ovarian reserve — that’s off limits. Too far. Let’s not go there.
It’s dumb.
Finish reading Silence and Infertility Don’t Mix at Alphabet Soup, Fertility Flavor, my blog for FertilityAuthority.com.
Fantastic, wonderful post! I couldn’t agree with you more…I have to say that I was really the one who felt this way from the beginning. It was my husband that needed some convincing to be open and willing to share. He’s come around and we’re both really, really open about it with just about everyone. For me, I realize that I am the one who needs to tell people how I want to be treated and what I’m comfortable with discussing. In my mind, I know that being the one to bring it up and be open to talking about IF gives me some sense of power back in a very powerless situation.
Jenny. This is a fantastic post. I am so thankful that you convinced me to come on out with my infertility struggles. You really are making a difference!
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jessica, Jenny. Jenny said: Silence & #infertility don't mix: http://bit.ly/c5xCNp […]
I actually have a great aunt Mildred and she actually does that!
And yeah, I wanted to keep it a secret because I didn’t want people to feel like they had a right to ask about it… Like I was making myself wide open to criticism. It kind of backfired now though. in my silence people thought I was pregnant… And those questions and answers were harder.
Good job! I look forward to the day when infertility is not shrouded in the weird stigma it is today and each one of us can make a difference. I found that finding the courage to speak up didn’t come easy when I was in the midst of grappling with the implications, but once I started to acknowledge it in public, it became less daunting. Now I’m practically wearing a button that says: Ask me about infertility.
I love this post and think I would feel similarly if we were going through IF issues. (Who knows what the future holds as we haven’t started TTC yet.)
i tell anyone who’ll listen
You always have such great posts. Congrats on entering the exciting second trimester! (Well…all trimesters are exciting…I’m an idiot, LOL!) It’s so true about the irony that people feel free to talk about farting, and constipation…but we get all hush hush over difficulty conceiving, or miscarriage and anything related to pregnancy loss. When we were doing our first IVF I mentioned it to a few people at work and my one coworker was like “I’m surprised that you told us.” I wonder if she was surprised we had trouble conceiving or was surprised that I actually was open about it. The whole conversation you could see made her squirm in her seat. On the other hand I was fine with it. Funny how things are.
I admire the bravery of people who are able to be open about their fertility struggles and I hope that you don’t judge me for wanting to keep this part of my life private, to an extent
Totally agree. I don’t understand the taboo – lets deal with these issues rather than avoid them—especially at the dinner table (a great forum in my opinion). I come from a very conservative family and talking about stitches or cleaning a dog is enough for my Dad to roar that those are not dinner table topics~imagine trying to talk positions, sperm or eggs…lets break down those boundaries and make it something that we can talk about openly without shame, embarrassment, or fear.
Excellent post Jenny! I feel the same way. Talk about it. Educate. Advocate. Infertility is just as common as breast cancer. It needs the samle respect. I firmly believe in sharing, when people ask me. Or even if they don’t.
I agree Jenny, each miscarriage, once I knew they were what was happening for sure (the first happened when we weren’t TTCing, because I don’t have issues getting pregnant, I just can’t keep those pregnancies once they start), I’ve made sure to talk about them all over the place…. if you (general you) know me, you likely know that we’ve had miscarriages, and the road to actually keeping this pregnancy, though I am sensitive to my IF sisters who are having a hard time with my pregnancy at times. I think infertility, whether it is in the form of women who can’t conceive, or the form like mine where babies don’t stick, MUST be talked about more…. it should not be hidden like it is.