Sure, I miss ibuprofen. And being able to prop my leg up against the shower wall to shave. And bending straight over to – well, to do anything, including put on underwear. I miss being happy that I’m not ravenous at dinner, knowing a bowl of cereal will be perfect(ly not nutritious). Ohhh, and I really miss being able to sleep on my stomach.
None of that compares to what I’ve been missing since the day I found out I was pregnant.
Each step of this pregnancy – from those first beta hCG (pregnancy hormone) blood tests to the first ultrasound and then the insane number of ultrasounds since my RE said, “And here’s the third baby,” – each step has felt like a giant hurdle I needed to clear. I’ve taken each step with a clinical mind: my betas need to be XXX; the babies need to be measuring a certain size; the bleeding is OK, and it’s because of a blood pocket; I need to be on progesterone until a set day; my cervix needs to be strong and needs to be a certain length.
Even though my strongest emotion at my 13 week ultrasound was happiness, I still faced my first cervical measurement. I was happy, but that bit of tension kept at bay the one thing I’ve been missing.
It’s hard to give a name to what it is, but I knew, when the ultrasound technician announced Monday that Baby A is a girl, that this is exactly what I haven’t yet experienced.
Tears. Happy, relieved, connected tears. Until Monday, each ultrasound was like watching a cool show on TV. I really liked seeing the babies and was continually thrilled with their progress, but I hadn’t quite given myself over to the fact that those three little squrimies on the screen are the three tiny people I’m going to one day hold hands with. The only tears I shed directly because of this pregnancy were tears of fear (each time I bled) and grief (when we were told Baby C wasn’t with us anymore). Not once, until Monday, did I cry those big, happy tears.
I’m not sure what it was, but as soon as the technician said, “Baby A is a girl, and she looks great,” well, there was something about that pronoun that flipped the switch in my brain. Suddenly it wasn’t all about numbers and measurements and milestones. It’s about her. And him. And her. And us.
Once those pronouns were assigned, I could concentrate on nothing but the knowledge hitting deep to my core that this love I’ve been feeling is for three people, not just three possibilities.
Before, I wanted nothing more than to have a successful pregnancy.
Now, I want nothing more than to get to know my son and two daughters.
Just beautiful.
this post was written with such heart and passion – absolutely beautiful. chills up and down my spine. so, so happy for you!
I don’t have the words to describe how happy I am for you that your are going to be a mother:]
and you went and made me cry while cooking dinner… now my hubs is going to ask if I am preggo.
Congrats! Motherhood is a love like no other, I am so glad you get to experience this joy, you deserve it.
sometimes its the simplest things that hold the most complex concepts!
This is beautiful. And I’m crying with you! Congratulations on your daughter, and your son, and your daughter.
Aww, this made me tear up! What a beautifully written post.
I think it’s very easy to be removed from the fact that we are in fact growing human beings, especially in the early stages of pregnancy, and ESPECIALLY when someone has gone through as many clinical steps as you have.
Even now with my daughter on the outside, I stop and remind mysel that I’m raising someone who will be a member of society and that the decisions I make now affect the rest of her, and many others, life.
For me much of it didn’t become real til I was holding my baby girl in my arms.
:sniff-sniff: Beautiful.
And that, my dear, brought ME to tears!
I’ve been following along with your blog for about 9 months or so now and have to say that you deserve every bit of happiness these three miracles are bringing to your life! Best wishes and again, congratulations!
…and what beautiful little people you will grow!
this made me cry big, fat, happy tears. I can’t wait to meet your daughters & son.
[…] thought I'd share. It's written by a woman who went through IF and is now pregnant with triplets. http://jennandtonica.com/2010/08/its…-been-missing/ __________________ Tammy Me: 37 Him: 40 IVF/ICSI #1 6/12 – ER – 4 mature 6/15 – 3 […]
Yup, sitting here with chills and teary eyes.
{{hugs}}
My bff is pregnant and due in December with her first, a girl. They are telling everyone the name because, in her words “When people say her name and ask about her, it just makes if feel real, that it’s my daughter they’re asking about.” I know a lot of people keep the name under wraps for many reasons, but this is the first time that I had heard such a moving and rational reason for telling people early.
Wow! What a beautiful post
I too remember how connected you become in that moment of “ITS A GIRL” or “ITS A BOY” they are no longer “it” but like you said, HIM AND HER!
Beautiful, simply beautiful!
My eyes have welled up and I have chills. I am SO happy for you. You deserve those happy tears.
How sweet
I had a similar experience with my son.
We didn’t find out what we were having before the boys were born, and I kind of regret it. I really couldn’t bond with them while I was pregnant, and I never felt connected to them. And I was so drugged up at my delivery that it wasn’t the happy, emotional experience I was expecting and waiting for. I kind of wish I had found out, so I could have had a moment like you had.
You made me cry! How dare you!?
I’m so happy for you. I hope that every milestone that stands before you is just as meaningful and real to you as this one was.
Your son and your daughters, those words are amazingly beautiful.
This is exactly why I found out the gender when I was pregnant with my son. Some people just didn’t get it when I said that it really didn’t feel “real” until then. Some even took that as me implying that what they were going through (ie: not finding out the gender) couldn’t feel “real” to them. But, my comment was about me and my feelings about my pregnancy. Not theirs. This was beautifully written. i love reading of your journey with P&J. Best wishes for health and peace for all of you.
signed, a lurker
Tears!! Lots of tears.
I don’t think I could be more excited for you, at each stage & milestone. I am just so happy for you.
I can’t wait to hug your neck and rub your belly and tell you in person how excited I am for you, your husband, your son and your two daughters!
this was beautiful, I’m so happy you can really embrace it now and put more than a letter to your babies.
happy happy happy happy happy! 2 daughters and a son. i am so psyched for you.
can’t wait to see the 5 of you in a few weeks!!! 
So lovely.
Happy boy & girls!
::sniff:: this made ME cry! I am SO happy for you and I can’t wait to meet them!
Beautifully written. Gave me chills. I am so so happy for you. And so excited for your future!!!
This post is so beautiful it belongs in a museum. Thank you for making me cry. At work. Again.
JennyB! I just LOVE this post. You are one talented momma. While the thought of having triplets is completely beyond me, I know that exact feeling… when you can hold HER/HIM in your tummy instead of IT. Best feeling ever. So happy for you, Rob, she, she and him :O)
You just had to make me cry didn’t you?!
Totally crying. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier for someone. You’re having a daughter. And a son. And a daughter. You, my friend, have hit the Trifecta of perfection.
This makes me so, so happy.
Beautiful
Everything becomes so REAL at that moment. And it’s such a beautiful and happy moment!
I’m so happy for YOU!
Love you Jen! Today, I was given my very first blog-award, And in turn, I passed it to you!! If you have time, please check out my blog and see your award!
I love love love this post. CONGRATS!!! Wow, three times the joy, I’m thrilled for you. The pronouns make a big difference don’t they? We found out just a few weeks ago ourselves, and we had a really special moment while registering, my husband was touched that he could say “he” now… that you could say son rather than just baby. The post is here if you’d like!
http://www.bustedplumbing.com/2010/07/baby-busted-is.html
Congrats congrats, a million times congrats!
Such a beautiful post, I absolutely love crying unexpectedly! Thank you for sharing as always. Thinking of you and your 3 little ones daily. You make it easy to imagine that day becoming a possibility for myself, the day we are told we are going to have a son or daughter. Hopefully it happens for us sooner than later! Thank you again, wishing you the very very best.