Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information and thoughts regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.
Writing a blog entry when you can’t really get the thoughts in your head to unjumble probably isn’t the smartest thing, as it results in a blog entry with incomplete thoughts.
Sorry about that, dear readers.
Yesterday said I was going There, where the Bitter Infertiles go. What I didn’t say was my visit There was a short one, but one I felt necessary to discuss nonetheless.
It’s so easy to feel down and defeated in this fight for fertility, and it’s easiest when defeat is fresh. Fortunately, as I’ve only been schlepping through the muck of infertility (in some fashion) for under a year, I’ve only faced a few defeats.
It’s during those times (with a few weak, fleeting moments sprinkled in) that I pay a visit There.
But it’s only those times.
Because life is so short and because it does no one any good to want what others have, the rest of my time is spent focusing on being proactive and facing the possibilities of the future.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an optimist. I’m no pessimist, either. I’m a realist. My reality says there is power in proactive, forward thoughts and actions and weakness in focusing too much on what’s already happened and what’s irrelevant.
If it makes you feel better, know that I took a ride on in to Bitter Town yesterday. I thought I was a bigger person, evidently – I’m not.
Today I can be bigger, but yesterday…I couldn’t. Somedays, it’s just that way.
Grace and Mercy, right? Between you and me – Sometimes I want to kick the everloving shit out of Grace until it begs for Mercy – but still…I strive for that on more days then less. And part of that Grace and Mercy is forgiving yourself for your shit attitude. So I forgive myself. You should forgive yourself too.
“Sometimes I want to kick the everloving shit out of Grace until it begs for Mercy ” – Speed
I could not have said it better myself.
I took a ride on the bitter cruise a few days ago… it was my first ever. The first time I *ever* allowed myself to actively despise a pregnant woman for the sole reason that she was pregnant.
I’m done now though.
I think it’s probably acceptable for all of us to hop on that cruise every once in a while.
I just wish I’d taken advantage of the bar while I was there.