I want to thank everyone for reading my blubberings lately, for commenting with so many kind words of support and for sharing an amazing bounty of uplifting, encouraging words.
My tear tank should be on empty after this past week, but it thrills me to say that so many of those tears were shed because I’ve felt so … well, not alone. Those tears are tears of relief and of comfort in knowing that it’s OK to just let go sometimes.
I wish I could thank each of you individually, but I’m afraid it would take me way too long to thank you properly, and I’d feel I was cheating you if I sent you all a note that only said “Thank you,” because that doesn’t say enough.
So here I am, professing my gratitude to you. Thank you for not only being here for me, but for being here for my husband (Hi, Rob!), who reads my blog and your comments. Thank you for being here for your fellow readers, some of whom are/were/will be going through their own shitty times.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your comments. Thank you for caring.
Thank you.
Once upon a time, I was in a tough spot and wondered whether I was making the right decision. I wanted some guidance, someone to tell me what to do.
The very same day, my good friend, Anna, posted a vlog asking her readers to share words/thoughts/quotes/whatnots that have helped them get through tough times.
Um, perfect timing much?
The comment I left for Anna was this:
One cut-up bit of words (to omit unrelated verses) that’s spoken to me since I was a teen are some of the lyrics from “Another Day” in RENT.
“The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today …“There’s only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what’s right
No other course
No other way
No day but today …“I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There’s only now
There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today”Why? It’s easier for me to face something Big and Difficult if I only face it today and not think about facing it tomorrow. If I make it through today, I’ve won a battle.
Another quote I have written down (from who knows where) is: “Trust in God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.”
Only, that was then, before plans changed, and this is now.
Now, I’m just sort of lost. I feel like I’ve read the same words over and over in the past, and they aren’t having the same effect today as they once did.
When I’m down like this, I get by a few different ways.
- I escape – whether it’s through a good book, a game that requires attention (but doesn’t make me want to throw things) or just immersing myself in my friends’ lives while I forget my own – I take a break from my life and focus on other things.
- I sit in silence. I have a hard time listening to music or watching movies/television when I’m in a Mood. My brain just won’t pay attention. So I sit in silence. And I think. Or I cry. Or I talk with God. I don’t know if I do it right, but my prayers are more like one-sided conversations with God. The letters I’ve written for you to read? Those are pretty clear transcriptions of actual conversations I’ve had with God.
- I throw things and yell.
- I take really long, really hot showers.
But that’s when I’m in a Mood. Sure, I’m in a Serious Mood right now, but that’s more because my body is constantly reminding me of what I’m losing. Once this passes, I’m going to be ready to pick myself up, brush myself off and walk onto the next challenge.
That’s just how I am.
But I need your help. I need some new, fresh words that might help.
Thus, I ask you, dear readers:
What is a quote, phrase, passage, poem, anything that has helped you get through the more difficult times in your lives?
Don’t feel obligated to come up with the wisest, most scholarly and philosophical piece of verbiage you can find. Just share what’s helped you in the past. Maybe it can help me or someone else.
I have to add this: Guys, Anna is ridiculously sweet and cute and I just want to put her in my pocket and carry her around to bring out for lolz and hugs. Check out her vlog, then check out her blog. Loves!
Big decision.
Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.
Dear God,
Well, I guess you do have the Internet. I once told a friend you didn’t. Apparently you have the Internet AND you read my blog.
Color me surprised.
God? I asked where you were last Thursday. On Friday, I felt at peace with our decision to take a break. On Saturday, I still hadn’t been visited by the Red Lady of Doom, so I took a home pregnancy test.
POSITIVE!
God, I took that test in the Target bathroom and couldn’t run to my car fast enough to I could commence the shaking, tearful mess and full-on SHRIEKING when I called Rob to yell (not tell) him the amazing news.
God, you read my blog, and you changed our plans on Saturday.
Unfortunately, the lab monkeys (I say that with love, but only a little – they stab me a lot) were already gone for the holiday by the time I got to the office on Saturday, and they wouldn’t be back till Monday.
Today.
So Rob and I celebrated. He celebrated with great caution. I was over the moon. Ecstatic. Surely this is the baby we’ve been waiting for.
Today, I had my blood drawn to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels.
I spent the day daydreaming about high numbers, so high we’d be on the edges of our seats for weeks guessing if we were having one or two babies (or more, though GAH! SCARY!).
God, you’ve gone and done it again.
My levels came back at 8.7.
And with those four syllables, eight point seven, my hopes and dreams came crashing down. Again.
The nurse sounded sympathetic with a side of negative. She said the levels could rise. Anything is possible.
Sure. Anything.
I had one pregnancy test left from the box of Clearblue Digitals I bought yesterday. The test yesterday proclaimed “PREGNANT.”
Today? “NOT PREGNANT.”
Physically, I feel no different.
Mentally and emotionally, I’m conflicted.
I should have thrown that test away; I shouldn’t have used it. But I did. I wanted to see those happy words and hang onto hope that maybe the lab messed up my results. Maybe … anything but this.
God, why?
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY?
I’m not interested in being a poster child for faith in you through infertility. I’m all for being positive and supportive and encouraging to others by being faithful, but no one is going to fall for it as faith if you keep pulling these cruel jokes on me and Rob. They’re just going to think I’m insane. Why love someone who teases you with what you want most and then yanks it away?
God, what I don’t get the most right now is why you have done this to me again.
I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU.
I was AT PEACE with the negative results of this cycle. I WAS OK WITH TAKING A BREAK. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t uncontrollably sad.
I WAS AT PEACE.
And then I saw that positive test. And another. And another. And God? I WAS JOYFUL. I was at peace. I was excited. I had a great feeling about this pregnancy and the gift of life you had blessed us with. I’ve thanked you more times than I could count these last three days.
And now this.
The rage, despair, helplessness, SHEER FUCKING ANGER I feel right now is indescribable. I can’t put into words how it just felt to punch the closet door and scream until my throat hurt and I feared my neighbors would break down my door to stop me from being murdered.
I go back for more bloodwork on Wednesday and have prescription progesterone to take until then, when the blood will definitively tell us positive or negative.
But why?
God, when I asked where you were, I didn’t expect a good-news answer. I wasn’t asking for a good-news answer. And I sure as shit didn’t expect a HA! I FOOLED YOU WITH THAT GOOD NEWS! TAKE THAT FOR QUESTIONING ME, HUMAN! answer.
What did I expect? I expected peace over my decision to take a break or a feeling of urgency to try at least one more time.
I didn’t expect you to give me a taste of becoming a parent once again, only to have it taken away. Again.
I hope I one day see why you’re doing this to me. Why taking a break wasn’t good enough. Why trying one more time wasn’t good enough. Because right now, I just don’t get it. I don’t get you.
Jenny
p.s. Blog readers – no Project 365 today. I’m not going to document my splotchy, tear-streaked face, and I don’t feel like faking something cheerful with pictures of flowers or something dumb like that. Use your imagination for today’s Project 365.
Sunset over Lake Norman
Rob and I had to kick ourselves twice today as we passed Lake Norman on a truly BEAUTIFUL day. Our boat isn’t cleaned up yet, so we’re still just drooling over pretty days like today. We’re hoping to get her all spiffy next weekend. Hello, boating season! So happy to see you again!
(It’s wicked grainy, but I didn’t think to yank out my camera until we were almost past the lake,
giving me no time to change my camera settings. Meh. Forgive?)
