Someone should have warned me I’d come home to a CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIE IN MY HOUSE.
I walked in tonight to find those little guys chilling in my bathrobe, eating my snacks.
Step One was to vacuum up the ones I could find. I would have counted, but I wanted to keep my food in my belly, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.
You know where they’re most concentrated? UNDER THE MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS TREE. I’m terrified to reach under to pull out the pieces to our village because I can see them all under there, lurking and waiting for me to be touched by them. That would make me piss myself, yo.
Have I ever mentioned I don’t do well with bugs in my house?
Step Two was to consult Google. Surprise, fucking, surprise, they’re some sort of conifer aphid, which apparently don’t do much aside from scaring the piss out of happy Christmas tree owners.
This is like when you learn that hot dogs are made of lips and assholes. I was near vomiting then and convinced I’d never so much as look at another hot dog without losing my cookies, but I have since filed that information away under “I love it too much to care.”
I cannot wait for Rob to come home because Step Three is GET THE MOTHERFUCKING TREE OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW. This is going to involve taking down ornaments, taking off lights and removing the *gulp* village from under the tree.
I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing my part accompanied by squeals and squeaks and hops. Rob will do his accompanied by grumbling and, “Chill the fuck out, Jen. They’re just bugs!”
No. I will not chill the fuck out. They are in my house, and I did not invite them.
OH MY GOD. WHAT IF THEY’RE UNDER MY PILLOW?
I can TOTALLY picture this in my head (the part where Rob tells you to chill the fuck out :-P)
And suddenly I seem like less of a scrooge for removing my tree on December 22nd. ::shudder::
OH MY GOD, WHAT IF THEY CRAWL INTO YOUR EARS AT NIGHT?!?!
EEK! I would be at Target until it was safe.
The tree is gone.
Important notes:
1. I had only two near-vomit incidents. The first was when Rob pointed out that the ick I was closely inspecting on the vacuum extension was bug guts. The second was when we were about to carry the tree out (wrapped in an old sheet) and SAW THE MOTHERFUCKERS CRAWLING on the tree’s tippy top where my star proudly sat minutes before.
2. All carpet and furniture has been vacuumed. All floors have been Swiffered.
3. The floor around the tree has been washed. Why? Oh, to clean up the carcasses of the bugs we stepped on during Operation Get This Tree The Fuck Out Of Here.
I need a bath in boiling water.
Oh my god, what a nightmare…but this post made me laugh out loud multiple times! (I especially love the “lips and assholes” bit…nice.)
Also, just so it’s clear: all the bug floors will be washed tomorrow. We had dinner plans with friends tonight, so we only cleaned the essentials.
Also, also: No bugs made it into my bed. Yes, I totally checked.
Um, I sure as hell hope you checked!
Holy shit. I think I’m going to cry. My tree goes tomorrow!
5 stars!
Also, Eeek!!!