All who face infertility will eventually be asked, “Why try so hard/spend so much money/put yourself through so much? Why don’t you just adopt?”
I read a blog today that answers that question oh, so well. I wanted to point it out to you, dear readers, but it isn’t fair of me to just flail about and point without adding my own thoughts on why I think it’s an important read, especially before you continue reading this particular entry.
I don’t know about you, fellow infertiles, but my response to the “just adopt” question/accusation varies by day. Sometimes I snap at the questioner, and sometimes I can give a simple, “We just aren’t there yet.”
It’s complicated. From a financial standpoint, it’s complicated. From a privacy standpoint, it’s complicated. From a nature/nurture standpoint, it’s complicated. From a giving-up-on-my-body standpoint, it’s complicated.
But people don’t really get that. They see those fighting infertility as working toward an end – get a kid in the house – and see adoption as the easiest route to reach that end.
Sure, from the outside looking in – that might be the case. If you’re Angelina Jolie, that might be the case.
For so many of us, it’s horribly complicated. Adoption isn’t an easy process from any angle, and it’s incredibly frustrating for so many to minimize the fight against infertility by assuming adoption is a quick-and-easy fix, a win-win for everyone involved.
Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn’t. It’s complicated.
From the blog I linked, this sentence rings so true: Most people … never have to dissect what they want out of motherhood.
It’s easy to assume adoption is the perfect bandge to staunch infertility’s wound, but people don’t realize it isn’t a one-size-fits-all bandage. That’s because most people never have to even ponder what sort of bandage would fit them. Their bodies don’t require that bandage.
Thank you for writing this. And thank you for the link. And you’re 100% right. It’s complicated.
Great posts (yours and the one you link to).
Adoption is a wonderful thing, but its not like you make that decision and bam! you get to have your kiddo just like that. Even if you did decide that was the route you want to go it is a heartbreaking road.
My cousin adopted a young boy from Guatemala, it took them SO long to get there baby and so many trips to Guatemala.
My friend adopted from China.. same story- they didn’t get her until she was almost a year old.
So, aside from all of those personal reasons you or anyone else going through IF has, anyone who says “why don’t you just adopt” obviously has no idea what a process that can be… and how it can be extremely heartbreaking AND expensive.
Thank you for continuing to shed light on topics and making people who aren’t currently going through them feel comfortable talking about them. I think a lot of the stigma with infertility is people don’t know what to say. We don’t know what is appropriate or how to comfort our friends dealing with this. You provide so much insight and really educate your friends/readers without ever getting “judgey” or “preachy.”
Such a fine line to walk and you do it so very eloquently.
Adoption is definitely not easy. My parents know quite a few people who have adopted and have gone through a lot to get to that point. My husband and one of my childhood best friends were adopted, so I know it can go well (though it’s a bit different now) and many of my parent’s friends are quite happy in the long run. The important thing is to do what’s right for you and not rush into something you’re not ready to do. ((hugs))
Hello there! This is my first time commenting. I really enjoy reading your blog. You give me a perspective that I don’t have, and because of you, I am able to be a better friend to those in my life suffering from IF. Keep doin’ what you do!
I am SO glad you wrote this. From the perspective of someone who currently is adopting I get to hear, “oh, so you can’t have your own kids?” Like your situation, who is asking the question is dependent upon the answer given. Usually something like “well we aren’t sure if biological children are in our future, but this child will certainly be our own.” But I’m usually wishing for something more snarky. I know most comments we face are from well meaning folks who don’t realize that they can’t fix the issue at hand with their advice. It’s horribly complicated- and never easy. Thinking of you!
It’s been a long time, but I still remember being asked “why don’t you just adopt?” when we kept miscarrying and subsequently wasn’t able to conceive. My answer was always the same: “We may consider adoption at some point, but I’m not ready to go there just yet.” Those people, the ones with some emotional intelligence, and more than a shred of sensitivity knew to drop it. The others barrelled on, telling me what they have heard or read about adopting from China or Vietnam. I didn’t say that I had been reading up on international adoptions. That secret was between me and my local bookstore. After a while, I shortened my answer to “We have considered it.” No one dared to push that enigmatic statement.
You state it so simply, “it’s complicated,” but to those of us who have sat where you do, it holds the endless conversations between us and our partners, our parents, our friends, ourselves. I understand what you say, about adoption not being a quick fix, a one-size-fits-all remedy. At the time, it seemed like a disaster that I may not have a baby who was “my own.” In hindsight, it was because I saw my infertility as my failing. Many years, much self-development and 2 children later, I know that isn’t true. It would be different now, because I don’t have anything to prove to myself.
There are no issues of self-belief or worthiness. How complicated it can be.
Jenn, thank you for sharing this. I read both your post and the one linked.
And I must say, I feel the same way.
I am going through that process of “dissecting what I want out of motherhood”.
I always believed in the Plan B. I always had adoption as an alternative.
Until time passed and I couldn’t get pregnant, that is.
Honestly, there are so many things that my mind needs to give up on in order to reach a place where Plan B will work for ME. My husband doesn’t seem to have such an issue with Plan B.
It feels like a clock is ticking in my head. And it’s louder everyday. I’m 35. Plan B must be put into action soon if I want it to be a real option.
But, I’m not there yet. It hurts. It just hurts.
Again, thank you for sharing this…
I love your posts. I get the adoption question a lot. And it is so hard ot get people to realize how much harder it is to adopt than to just conceive. I wish people who had babies had to go through all of the rigorous evaluations those that are solely physically incapable of bearing children had to go through. Lots of people with natural born children are abused and worse. It is infuriating to think of all of the hoops infertile people must go through simply because of a biological abnormality.
Beautifully written. I can’t pretend to even come close to knowing what all that entails but I am thankful for you opening your door for me to peek inside.
It’s a strange seat that I sit in, over here as an almost adopter who stood in line for 2 different programs for almost 3 years, infertility never having been my struggle. But sooooo many people assumed it was and made unbelieveable comments when they learned of our adoption plans.
The craziest one for me was from the adoptive mother of a friend of mine, a woman I’ve known for over 10 years. A woman who adopted one child but never had any biologically. She dotes on her daughter. She’s a teacher. She’s a very warm, caring and sensitive woman. Upon learning of our adoption plans she immediately made a point to seek me out to assure me that the love she felt for her daughter was overwhelming, that there was no need to fear I wouldn’t love my child because I hadn’t given birth to them. And at a party we both attended when I was at the end of my first trimester with Piper she said to me “See, look what happens when you just relax!”
Dead.
I didn’t even know where to start, and just informed her that we were very blessed that we hadn’t been battling infertility but that our adoption plans were due to another medical condition and I was being closely monitored and blah blah blah.
It IS complicated. Having been so far into the process for so long, it is not something that is to be undertaken lightly and frankly every single adoption agency worth the title will flat out tell you that you need to be at peace with your infertility (or whatever) before making the decision to adopt. A social worker will come to your home multiple times to make sure you don’t keep pythons in the bathtub, and THEY will ask you many times and in many different ways, if you are really ready to put your dreams of a biological child behind you.
There is NO SUCH THING as “just adopt”, just like there’s no such thing as “just relax”. That just isn’t how it works.
hugs, my dear.
That’s a great article. Shon and I have always talked about eventually adopting, although I’m not sure I would’ve been as open to the idea had Shon’s dad not been adopted. When I say we’ve always talked about it, I mean that we planned on adopting in the long run…like AFTER we’ve already had our own biological kids.
Right now? I am just focusing on trying to have our own biological kids. It really is quite difficult though. I have SO many people say, well you know adoption is always an option. Yes, it is. But for me…not right now.
Just as infertility is scary and heart wrenching, so is adoption. It is possible to go through the adoption process, find that perfect child, and have the birth mother decide she wants to keep the baby. After dealing with the emotions of infertility and the treatments that go with it, I’m just really not sure I could take that.
Ultimately, it’s up to each couple to decide what’s right for them. In my book, suggesting how to grow someone else’s family is rude and intrusive.
I’m with you Jenny.
Krista made a comment a few weeks back about her response to questions like this. She asked why it was the responsibility of us infertiles to adopt the parentless children of the world? The blog you linked to got to that same point.
It bothers me that, mostly ignorant, people so quickly say ‘who cares? adopt!’ Did you adopt? Before you had kids would you so easily have said I don’t want to try and have my own biological family because so many children need homes?
Adoption is a wonderful thing. Many beautiful children and babies need a loving home. I someday would love to be in a position to consider this an option for me. However, if I choose to adopt a child, I don’t want them to be my consolation prize. I want to have adopted because it is the right thing to do, not because I need a replacement for what I couldn’t do myself.
It is so easy for people to have opinions when they have NO IDEA what it is like to have to actually face these questions. To be forced to choose a path. Weigh the variables.
Thank you, Jen. As always you bring up the best topics for discussion.
I simply can not say enough how much I love you. Honestly. You are a wonderful writer, a wonderful woman and you will be a wonderful mother some day… I just know it.
That’s all.
Adoption is a nightmare, and a costly one at that! I believe that even though you are going through “hell” right now, it will pay off when the time is right! Whether it is your choice to adopt, or you are able to conceive.