Back in my church youth group days, we opened each meeting by going around and sharing good news and bad news. For a while, my blog felt more heavy on the bad news side, then, with last week’s discovery of triplets, it started swinging the other way.
Today, it’s sort of in the middle.
I started bleeding some last night right before bedtime. I didn’t feel any different, but I was definitely bleeding. Rob, God bless his soul, came into the bathroom with me after I yelled out to him that I was bleeding.
We ladies see that sort of thing on a regular basis, but it’s the sort of thing you wish you didn’t have to ever deal with and thus keep that all private and to yourself. Women often reach the point with friends where bathroom talk can be discussed as easily as what was on TV last night – we all go through it in some fashion – but our men? It’s just not meant for them.
Thankfully, I married a matter-of-fact kind of guy, and our battle with infertility up until this point has really blown apart a lot of those privacy barriers that many hold sacred.
It’s a good thing, because I’m not sure I would have left the bathroom last night if it weren’t for Rob’s strong arms around me, guiding me to bed. I didn’t sleep much last night, even after the bleeding tapered quite a bit. I was up again at 3 to use the bathroom and started bleeding again. I might have gotten another hour of sleep before the alarm went off, signaling it was time to leave the house to make it to the doctor’s office when they opened at 7.
Rob was able to go with me this morning, something I could thank him over and over for, but I really don’t see a point. I’m not sure he would have been anywhere else this morning, regardless of how difficult being there might have been.
At the ultrasound that revealed our sweet triplets, our doctor warned us we may not make it through with all three. Baby C in particular was questionable, measuring a couple days behind in size and with a slower heartrate.
Preparing for a possibility is so much different than facing a reality, though.
My mind flipped through any number of bad-news scenarios between last night and this morning, as you can imagine. I did my best to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best, and finally, to trust that God would take care of us all.
The bad news: Baby C stopped developing at 6 weeks, 2 days. Its heart was no longer beating today.
The good news: My cervix is closed, and Babies A&B are doing well. Baby A’s heart was beating 155 beats per minute this morning, and Baby B’s heart measured at 158 bpm.
I saw Baby A’s heart flickering right away on the ultrasound and squeezed Rob’s hand as a tear left my eye. One deep breath. When the doctor got Baby B on the monitor next, I also saw its heart flickering and teared up a little more. Another squeeze, and another deep breath.
At that point, I could tell something was wrong with Baby C. Its sac had been right above Baby B’s in our first ultrasound, but I really couldn’t see anything today while looking at Baby B.
The doctor found our sweet Baby C but determined that its heart had stopped.
Rob and I are both enormously grateful for the health of Baby A and Baby B so far. They both looked great today.
But, Baby C. We’re just so sad that our littlest peanut didn’t make it.
On one hand, we know this is for the best. An early loss is better than a late one – better for my health and for the health of the remaining occupants. The loss of Baby C may also mean a better chance for A and B. They’ll have more room to grow and should have an easier time staying inside and baking longer.
Still. We would have done our best to see all three to a healthy gestation.
It’s confusing. It’s bittersweet. I’m sad for the loss of one but thrilled to see two thriving.
Goodbye, Baby C. You have two older angel siblings who I know are already taking care of you, along with plenty of angel friends. We’ll always love you.
It’s my first time stopping by. I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry to hear about Baby C. I will send happy baby thoughts for a super healthy pregnancy for Babies A & B.
I’m so sorry! I wish I could be with you and give you a big hug!
sending you HUGS! I am so sorry for your loss! Wishing you a safe pregnancy for your other two miracles.
::chokes on tears::
Have been following your story. One of my girlfriends went through the same thing and now has 2 happy healthy children (a boy and a girl) starting kindergarten in Sept.! ….so sorry for your loss but take comfort in the fact that A & B are thriving!! Looking forward to the rest of your story! Prayers are with you!
I am so sorry. I do believe that Baby A & Baby B will always have an angel looking over them. Praying for you guys.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. I’m sorry for your loss.
I am in ugly tears over here but you have such a beautiful attitude about it all :).
I am so sorry. Sending many thoughts and prayers. I pray for a continued safe pregnancy for you.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Stolen Eggs (Fox) . Stolen Eggs (Fox) said: RT @Jennandtonica: And then there were 2: http://bit.ly/c5pHeU #infertility #triplets #twins #miscarriage #pregnancy […]
I’ve been thinking of what to write here so I wouldn’t sound like a rambling idiot but quickly gave up knowing that’s impossible. I was going to tell you although I didn’t struggle through infertility I did lose a twin; but this isn’t about me. I read your blog and tears often come some sad and some from pure joy. You both have dealt with more then any 2 people should and I wish I could just give you a giant hug. My thoughts go out to you for your loss of baby C and also for the growth of babies A & B. I know they do and always will have 2 great parents!
Bittersweet.
Rob is a good man.
If you need anything, I am in your town.
Big hugs.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. {{hugs}}
You are amazingly strong and I admire you. You have such a beautiful and positive attitude and you’re right! Babies A & B will be growing stronger by the day. Prayers for a strong and safe duration…
Hugs for you and Rob. Love to baby C. and Strength, Courage and Prayers for A+B.
My heart aches for you and my eyes welled up with tears as I read your post (even though I knew the news before reading it)! While I am thrilled with the good news about A & B, my heart breaks for C. I am so glad Rob got to be there with you! You are in my thoughts today! (((hugs)))
Just a huge {{HUG}} to you. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs to you & Rob Jenny! I’m been thinking & praying for yall so much. I will continue to keep yall & those precious babies in my thoughts & prayers. You’re awesome & so strong!
‘Bittersweet’ is the only word.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Continued prayers for the health of Babies A & B and you.
So sorry to hear of the loss of Baby C. Best wishes for the continued growth of A and B. Hang in there!
Rob is a good man, Jenny. I’m glad he was able to be there for you. I love you and will continue praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy.
I’m so sorry for the loss of Baby C. I really hope A and B continue to thrive.
This made me cry. I am SO sorry, so sorry. Yet thankful for your blessing of two healthy babies thriving.
as tear rolls down my face, all I can say is I am so sorry. Because of you I will hug my baby a little longer today and pray with all my might that you will be doing the same thing with your two babies in 7 months.
we are praying for you, Rob, Baby A, Baby B, and are praying for peace for Baby C.
I love you, and I love Rob.
I’ll try to bring you some love tonight.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Baby C, but truly wish you and babies A & B continued good health. Y’all will be in my T&Ps.
So sorry to hear about the loss of Baby C. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Happy to hear that A&B are doing well!
So sorry to hear this. I hope Babies A and B continue to thrive.
I’m sorry for the loss of Baby C. So sorry.
So sorry. Deepest condolences. Your strength, wit, and warm heart will get you through. You’re a tough cookie.
I am so very sorry for your loss of sweet baby C.
My heart and prayers are with you, your husband, and babies A and B.
May the rest of your pregnancy be with filled only joy.
I don’t even know what to say Jenny. I’m sending prayers and virtual hugs to you, Rob and babies A & B.
I’m so sorry for the loss of Baby C. Sending you thoughts of comfort in this loss and thoughts of strength for Babies A & B. *hug*
I’ve been thinking of you lately and sending you lots of prayers – I’m so sad to hear about Baby C – breaks my heart, but am so happy Baby A and B are doing so well.
SO happy to hear that a&b had great heart rates and are thriving, that my friend is great news. Hugs to you sweetness.
My thoughts go out to you… And my prayers have been as well! While the news is bittersweet – I am happy that babies A and B are strong, and that your health is good as well!
Take care!
Awww sweetie…I’m so sorry to hear about Baby C, but so thrilled that Babies A and B are doing well. My cousin went through a very similar struggle with infertility. She was also surprised after years of negative tests to learn that she was pregnant with triplets. She also lost baby C. Babies A and B continued to grow and thrive and they will be turning 3 this September! My thoughts and prayers will remain with you, Rob and your babies.
Love you friend. Wish I was there to give you a big squeezy hug.
I’m so sorry! When I saw on Twitter last night that you were bleeding I said many prayers for you. While I am sad to hear that baby C had joined its angel siblings, I am glad to hear that baby A and B are doing well. I’ll continue to keep you and the babies in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of baby C. I love you and all of your angel babies – and especially baby A and baby B. We are here for you in anything you may need.
goosebumps & tears.
Lots of hugs. Like I said before, it’s such a confusing state to be in. The next few weeks will be even harder, waiting for your next US to see how the other 2 are. But just because you lost C doesn’t mean you will lose A & B. It’s hard to find a place to find out how you feel (kwim?) because it seems all blogs are infertility or miscarriage blogs, but none are “I lost one but have the other”. I reached out all over the place on BBC, TheBump, etc. But still to this day I don’t know how I feel about it. Just so incredibly thankful I have Austin. I wrote a lot about it on my IF/MC blog if you’re ever interested. I hate when people say “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!” but I couldn’t help it. It’s a lonely place and not a lot of people have lost one and kept another and it’s confusing to be happy and sad when you should be sad and happy. hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs
I’m so sorry.
So so so sorry for your loss. And so hopeful and happy for your other two little ones. Stay strong A and B!
Sending you hugs and lots of prayers for babies A&B. Stay strong mama.
Sending tons of thoughts and prayers your way.
((Hugs))
I’m sorry, Jen. I cannot imagine going through another loss, but still having two to be thankful for. Such a conflicting time…
Hugs to you, Rob, and babies A&B.