“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” – William Arthur Ward
After a recent discussion, I’ve been thinking a lot about positive thinking and what it means. The topic, of course, was my hopes in getting pregnant. The person I was talking with said yet again that it’s going to happen. Hope for this time, but if not, next time. Or the next time. But for sure, someday, it will happen. I will have a long, healthy pregnancy.
I responded with, “I hope so,” my canned response for such optimistic declarations of fertility, and, for once, my response rose an eyebrow.
Was I losing hope? What I not confident anymore?
No. I’m just being realistic. I know too many people who have/will never be able to be pregnant or carry a healthy baby to a healthy birth. Fertility treatments aren’t done indefinitely, and insurance money will run out. There are other options, but I have yet to learn enough about them to have a concrete backup plan.
The future is uncertain. I could get pregnant and have a long, healthy pregnancy. I could never pass the five-weeks-pregnant mark. Something has gone wrong twice in the past, and no one can guarantee that it’s fixable and not just a mysterious Thing that no one can change, not even God.
And speaking of God, no one knows how He works and if giving birth is in the cards for me. I sure hope it is, but I don’t know it is.
Which is why I hope. I don’t know. I hope.
I think optimists and those who believe in the power of positive thinking believe that good thoughts result in good things. I can’t get behind that.
I doubt my family didn’t think good thoughts when my mom was diagnosed with leukemia and shortly after died because of complications.
I doubt parents of premature babies don’t put every ounce of their being into good thoughts for their child’s health, yet many of them lose their battle to live here on Earth.
Maybe positive and negative thinking can account for some of the good and bad in the world. I don’t doubt that there’s some truth behind it. It’s an ancient belief, after all. Ancient beliefs don’t get to be ancient if they have no truth.
But I don’t believe this world is based on the power of good and bad thinking.
Plus, what does that mean for all the good thoughts that didn’t produce good results? Were those thoughts not quite good enough? Who determines what’s good enough and what isn’t, and how do the good-thinkers figure out how to think the best way while the not-as-good thinkers struggle?
My brain hurts trying to think about all this.
I hope each and every cycle that we have positive (two-pink-lines-positive) results.
That hope keeps me taking my cocktail of meds, sacrificing my belly to injections and waking up at the buttcrack of dawn to be probed by ultrasound cameras and be jabbed by blood-drawing needles.
That hope keeps the relationship between Rob and I strong despite the difficulties.
That hope keeps me from giving up on my broken pieces after another failed cycle. It convinces me to pull myself back together, dust myself off and get ready for another try.
I am determined to hope and try until …
That hope keeps the ellipsis hanging off that sentence, the end of it undefined. I hope I never have to finish it.
But I accept that I may have to someday. It’s reality, not pessimism. Despite what I hope, I know may not get what I want.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong to not change my outlook and put all my weight behind positive thinking? What works for you?
I’m an realist. I’ve been around these neck of the woods too long not to be. Do I hope that one of these cycles will work? Of course. But I fully realize that for some woman a biological child just isn’t in the cards. I also don’t think its wise for us to just blindly believe that thinking good thoughts about all of this is going to result in a baby. Because there are plenty of women for whom that is not the case.
Some days it takes every being of myself to not lapse into negative thoughts, feelings or fall prey to fears. But, then I try to face those thoughts head on with a mental “stop sign” and detore those thoughts right away. Because the fact is there is no guarantee that those worries won’t happen but in this moment they aren’t here yet and I do not want to rob myself of the gift of hope. So in that moment I choose hope however slim it maybe and know that I will deal with each card life deals me when it happens and not until that moment. It’s hard, I fail more than I would like but there’s beauty in hope and that’s worth trying to keep it around. Plus if let fear or what ifs take over your life then you lose time and one day you may wish for those moments back. So try to live in the present, in this second and not in the future or past. You have so many ppl thinking of you and praying for you. Friends and strangers are rallying for you that’s worth some positive thinking, right? And some days you just may need to ask someone to be hopeful for you. Best wishes and you are in my thoughts today.
I also wanted to say in full disclosure that I don’t struggle with infertity and can’t imagine that pain but in my own struggles I try to stay positive and that’s what I was referring to.
No, you’re not wrong, and I’m gonna tell you exactly why because that’s just the kind of smarty-britches PITA I am.
All that positive thinking stuff is mostly whistling in the dark. I KNOW that you still have hope because you are still trying, but I also know that you are hurting and scared. Unacknowledged, unexpressed hurt and fear has a way of festering and growing. OTHER PEOPLE need you to be hopeful and positive and bright because it makes THEM feel better. YOU need to feel whatever you feel, ugly or beautiful, disturbing or inspiring.
And of course there’s a balance to this, and you know that, too. Breathe deep, turn you face to the sun, but don’t ignore the dark that’s pressing in on you.
I believe in you. I don’t really know you at all, but I know a bad ass when I meet one.
Sounds completely and entirely sane to me. Sanity is sometimes a little thin on the ground with IF, so hang on to that!
Get out of my head. Cody and I had this exact same conversation tonight. But it was more about Faith. But the idea that some people have that if their faith is strong enough God will always deliver. But it doesn’t work like that. And for those that think it does what do they think when something bad happens to someone? That their faith just wasn’t strong enough? I mean that’s basically the logic.
I think faith in God is the faith that if something happens, something bad, that you will get through it because of Him.
So maybe that doesn’t really apply to what you’re saying. But I went on a rant, and I’m not going to delete it now. 😛
I think it’s good to be positive. But you can’t live with your head in the clouds because I think eventually it might make you crash into reality and crash really hard and that could really mess someone up emotionally.
So yes stay positive. Live your life with hope.
I think optimism works best with a healthy dose of realism. Otherwise, you live in a chalk drawing. Hope is where it’s at, ladybug. You just hope and wish and pray and understand that somethings are out of your control, no matter how sh*tty that is. I wish I could say that I believe in the power of positive thinking, but I… like you… have seen it go astray one too many times.
But I will stand beside you in hope. Promise.
I honestly don’t think that any attitude can change the way the world works. However, one person’s thoughts can have an effect on thier life.
My sister, for example, who bloody-mindedly fought to emmigrate to Australia despite many setbacks that would have sent me scuttling back to bed, had just about given up on IVF treatments – she had run out of money (a “friend” stole it from her for drugs!), run out of eggs (only 2 remaining), run out of time (she was 40), and come to the end of the line emotionally after several successful implants that then ended in miscarriage. But, optimistically, she picked herself up off that floor, borrowed money off our mum, and tried “one last time”.
Her son is four this year.
She gave herself that gift by not giving up.
xxx