Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I rarely know what the date is anymore, so it took me by surprise when I saw the Wave of Light and other remembrance notes start pouring in on my Twitter and Instagram feeds before bed last night.
I double checked the calendar, and, sure enough, it’s October 15.
It’s been four years since my first loss and three and a half years since my second loss. We were told we’d lost Callista, and while that declaration was miraculously wrong, it was the most painful and confusing of my loss experiences. In the time that’s passed, I’ve had plenty of other pregnancy- and baby-related trauma that hasn’t exactly eclipsed the devastation I felt with my two losses, but compartmentalizing has allowed me to stow a lot of those feelings under lock and key.
I carry the experience with me always, but I only find myself accessing my memories when I truly need them – when I pray for babies struggling to live, when someone I know experiences a loss, when I fill out medical forms that ask for my number of pregnancies and births, when it’s October 15.
Time has given me some mental clarity, and I’m partially grateful for what I went through. I can’t say how I would hope things went if I had a do-over, but I can say that I’m happy with how things have turned out. I am a better mother. My cords of my marriage got stronger. I am a better friend. I dread going back to those days in my mind. I’m happy to have them buried under new memories. But, Lord. I’m thankful to remember those pregnancies and the hopes, dreams and definitions that bloomed the three days I learned I was pregnant.
First dermabond is a baby book milestone, right? Toby is a tough guy. Minimal tears!
I'm starting book 67 of 2013, a book recommended by NPR. (I'm short on my 75-book goal. I don't count rereads toward my annual total, but for quantity's sake, I just might break my rule. Cheating? Maybe.)
They get first dibs. #triplets
I had to return 2 library books & accidentally left with another #LibraryHaul to go with the one at home. Oops. Can we say, "addicted?" ❤️
First movie theater experience: check plus plus plus!
Tea, obviously. (I meandered into World Market on Black Friday & ended up being one of the first 100 shoppers. Free mug, huzzah!)
"Come sit on my lap, Buddy!" #triplets #BFF
Real life. My amazing juggling act falters when I'm called to cuddle my sick babies. 2/3 are on the mend, but they're flanking me while I hold the third in my lap. Spot the piles of clean laundry! The forgotten toys! The stalled ornament hanging! The tote
They're impressed with the tree lights. ✨
I found the big-kid ragamuffins wandering the Christmas tree lot, thought they'd look cute in a photo. #latergram #triplets
I might give him a hard time for his Monica Geller approach to life (rubber gloves & perfectly positioned chairs), but Rob does a great job rigging up these lights. I just wonder how creative his swears will be this year.
Jammies, juice, popcorn & movie. Welcome to our weekend. Not pictured: frequent coloring breaks, fevers, occasional vomit & countless boogie wipes.
Before I take my sick self to bed, I have to share the pretty custom necklace I ordered from @meganluvsjewels! Ruby for me, aquamarine for Rob, & citrine for ETC. Merry Christmas to meeeee! #smallbusinesssaturday #smallbizsaturday
They always play like this. #liesalllies #triplets
This magic moment #triplets
I first held Eleanor 3 years ago today. Maybe I shouldn't continue writing about things that happened 3 years ago, but ETC's birthday & #PrematurityAwarenessMonth always make November a month of reflection for me. And to be honest, I still feel the effect
As a kid who sucked her thumb entirely too long, I find Callista's bed-only thumb-sucking habit encouraging. That doesn't mean I don't feel the warm fuzzies when she sneaks in a fix in my view when tired or sick, like today. A mild cold, a sleepy day, a c
"Everybody say, 'Cookies!'" #triplets