Just end already

Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.

I confess to peeing on six pregnancy tests this cycle. Two of those tests were done way too early, but four of them were fairly timely.

All were negative.

Pissed at pissing away money on tests that didn’t really gave answers but only chipped away at the hope I tried desperately to keep, I headed into the RE’s office today for the more definitive blood test.

Negative.

Plus, I’ve started spotting. That was the other thing keeping the hope alive. I never start a period without spotting first, and there was nothing in site till after I left the RE’s office.

I think I scared my uterus into finally giving me some answers.

The nurse who called to give me the negative results kindly informed me to come back in for more bloodwork in a couple days if I hadn’t started my period. I don’t know if that meant there was still a shred of hope on their end or if that meant I could be facing an issue with a not-starting period and no pregnancy to keep it from started.

I don’t believe the first is an actual option. It just doesn’t seem possible with all the signs pointing to an unsuccessful cycle. In that case, I hope, hope, hope the second option is one I don’t have to think about. I’ve been there, done that far too many times with the absent period for no good reason, and while I do love the side effects of the drug prescribed to induce bleeding, I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN.

For each step forward we take, I feel like we’re taking a step backward. I can’t present good evidence to show the truth and validity in this, but that’s why I chose to say “I feel like,” rather than outright stating it as fact.

For what it’s worth, the facts remain that we did get pregnant; I respond well to the drugs; Rob does have great swimmers. There are a lot of factors in our favor.

But, still. I’m going there. That place where Bitter Infertiles linger and use to feed their anger toward the Fertile Myrtles. Are you ready?

Still, there are an insane number (millions? billions?) of couples who conceive completely on accident or on the first try. Many of those who wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am on their first try are even taking a mere stab in the dark with no knowledge or know-how of the science and precise dance that is conception.

Yet I’m taking drugs, eating (and avoiding) certain foods, being monitored, and every sexual event in this house is being timed (highly romantic), which includes having to avoid amorous behavior sometimes. And, still.

Still.

Nothing.

I’m ready for this cycle to end. I’m ready for the next to begin. I’m bummed out about this one, but I need to put it behind me, dust myself off and face the next round of hopes and dreams.